Burning Sanity
by eblonde
Summary: Jane may be cured, but the after effects of her ZIP poisoning and her wrongdoings as Remi are playing heavily on her. Will she be able to escape her own demons? or will she fall prey to her own mind? Slight trigger warning. Possible mentions of suicide in later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

**Here's the first chapter to my next multi chapter fic. Thank you to lurkingwhump for listening to me ramble about what project I wanted to attack next!**

Kurt woke up to an empty bed. The sheets where his wife usually lay were still warm, indicating she hadn't been gone for long.

"Jane?" he called, though he received no response. Wearily, he heaved himself out of bed to try and search for his wife. "Jane?" he called again to the empty apartment.

He walked into the kitchen, noticing her jogging shoes weren't on the shoe rack. Seeing a yellow piece of paper sitting on the counter, he strode over, picking it up.

'_Be back soon x_' was all it said.

"Jane!" he grumbled, reaching for his cell phone. He hit the speed dial, balancing his phone under his ear while he put his own shoes on. Maybe he could catch up to her…

He grumbled again when her phone connected to voicemail.

Jane had only been released from the hospital a fortnight ago after receiving the cure for her ZIP poisoning. Her sight was still blurry and she still suffered migraines and breathlessness. She had been told to take it easy - which she had for the first week. But her agitation and cabin fever had been setting in the last few days. He had also been meticulously following the doctor's orders, which had only grown her frustration further.

Now she had snuck out in the early hours of the morning to go for a _run?_

He felt a pang of guilt as he realised he probably should have listened to her more. Maybe then she wouldn't have felt to need to sneak around behind his back. He knew she just wanted some normality back in her life.

He grabbed his keys, locking the apartment behind him and took off down the street. He decided he would try her usual route first, heading in the direction of the park down the street of their house.

Five minutes into the park, he found her sitting on the grass, her head in her hands.

He slowed to a walk, not wanting to startle her.

"Jane?" he asked softly.

He watched as her shoulders started to shake and sat down beside her on the still damp grass.

"I thought I could do it." she sobbed, frustrated. "I only made it five minutes before I collapsed."

Kurt eyes her worriedly at that confession.

"Are you hurt?" he asked directly.

She shook her head miserably.

"Only my pride." she murmured as a fresh lot of tears escaped from her eyes.

"Oh Jane." he said, pulling her into his arms. She buried her face in his shirt. "It's gonna take some time." he said gently.

She nodded into his shoulder.

"It's so unfair." she cried.

Kurt kissed her head softly.

"Why don't we start with something smaller." he suggested softly. "Do you feel up to walking around the park with me a little?"

She looked up at him with tear stricken eyes.

"But the doctor said-"

"It doesn't matter." he said cutting her off. "The doctor also said you need to listen to your body. Even if that means listening to your head." he tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "If you feel you are up to getting some more exercise than walking around the apartment, then we will do it."

Jane's chin wobbled.

"Thank you." she said, trying to smile up at him. He reached out, brushing the last of her tears away.

"But Jane, you have to promise me one thing."

She looked up at him expectantly.

"You don't do this alone. You let me help you."

She nodded.

"Ok." she whispered softly.

"Come on." he said standing up. "Let's get you off this cold ground." He extended his hand to her and pulled her to her feet slowly, balancing her as she swayed slightly.

He offered her his arm.

"Shall we?"

She smiled, taking his arm in her own.

They took off slowly, making their around the park and back to their apartment.

By the time they arrived back, Jane was exhausted.

Kurt lead her to the couch, helping her sink back into the pillows with a sigh. He reached down and removed her running shoes and socks, before replacing them with a pair of fuzzy bed socks.

Jane sighed in relief. She was still having trouble controlling her temperature, mostly unable to get warm. She closed her eyes, and had nearly drifted off when she felt the couch dip beside her. She opened her eyes to see a steaming hot cup of coffee in front of her.

She eyed him wearily.

"Can I even drink coffee yet?" she asked, but the expression on her face was hopeful.

"I don't see why not." he replied, smiling at her hopeful innocence. He handed her the cup and watched her nurse the beverage, warming her hands, before she took her first sip.

"Mmm." she murmured, her eyes closing in pure bliss.

Kurt grinned.

There hadn't been too many moments since leaving the hospital, where he had seen her genuinely smile. She had been too unwell in the beginning, needing to sleep a lot, and then the agitation had started. He was yet to return to work himself, opting to stay by her side during the recovery process.

They sat in a companionable silence while they drank the rest of their coffee.

"I think I might go and have a lie down." Jane said once she had drained the contents of her mug.

"Headache?" Kurt asked knowingly.

Jane nodded, pushing herself up off the couch slowly. She had learned the hard way to take things slow.

"Do you want one of your pills?" Kurt asked, following her to the bedroom.

She shook her head.

"No it's not that bad." she said sincerely, knowing he would be able to see right through her. "I think I'll just feel better if I have a bit of a sleep."

She changed into some fresh sweats and one of Kurt's hoodies, before climbing under the bundle of blankets that she had piled on her side of the bed.

Kurt moved forward, sitting beside her. He leant forward, kissing her temple softly.

"Sweet dreams, baby." he whispered, in what had become their daily mantra.

Jane smiled softly, before her face reverted back into the frown that had become her natural expression as of late.

He delicately stroked the side of her head, pushing her hair off of her face.

"I'll wake you in a couple of hours." he murmured softly, before getting up and shutting the door softly behind him.

He would be lying if he said he wasn't worried about her. While today had ended up being a triumph, it was still upsetting to know that she would rather push herself over the edge, than ask him for help. It was beginning to feel like she was pushing him away. It didn't feel like she was doing it maliciously, or even consciously, but Kurt had been noticing more and more than she was more reluctant to accept his help.

He sighed.

He knew this was hard on her. She had gone from being so physically fit and able, to getting puffed walking around their apartment. He knew she was so grateful to be alive at all, but he also knew how important it was for her to build herself up as quickly as possible.

The doctor, as had Patterson, had warned him to keep an eye on her mental state, saying that not being able to express herself physically like she normally would be able to, could possibly cause a downward spiral mentally.

Kurt had dismissed both of them. Jane had been so happy in the hospital, so relieved she hadn't died. He had kind of figured that she would continue to feel that way. But after weeks of being cooped up in their apartment, too weak to move, he was beginning to see a darkness setting in behind her eyes.

It was a darkness he recognized, one he had seen in his father's eyes one too many times.

He sat on the couch, burying his face in his hands.

He needed to be careful, otherwise he was going to lose her. Not to the ZIP poisoning. But to her own demons.

Kurt sighed, making up his mind the moment the idea came into his head.

Tomorrow they were both going to go to work. She technically wasn't cleared to come back medically, but even just to visit the team - to get out of this godforsaken house.

Kurt relaxed back into the couch wearily. It had been over a month since he had managed a decent night's sleep, and it was beginning to take its toll. He looked at his watch.

It was a few hours before he needed to wake Jane. He set an alarm on his phone, before closing his eyes himself, hoping to get some much needed rest.


	2. Chapter 2

**Here's chapter two! This kind of takes place during 4x13 so if you haven't seen it yet, here's your warning for spoilers. The timeline is a little off from the show.**

**Again, special thanks to lurkingwhump, I love being able to bounce ideas around with you! This was edited quickly so please ignore any errors.**

Jane and Kurt arrived at the NYO the next morning, to find their team on high alert.

"What's going on?" Kurt asked, moving to the monitor.

"Jane? Kurt?" You guys aren't meant to be back yet?" Patterson asked stepping out from behind her keyboard.

"Well we thought we would visit." Kurt replied, putting his arm around his unusually quiet wife. He motioned to the monitor. "What's happening?" he asked again.

"Madeline's trying to crash Air Force One."

Jane's eyes widened in disbelief.

"Wait what?" Kurt asked urgently. He moved forward, staring at the screen with a look of disbelief. He turned to Patterson. "Tell us everything."

Patterson - with the help of Rich - spent the next few moments filling in Jane and Weller on everything that had transpired with Zapata and Boston.

"There is no way that Boston is hacking this plane for real." Rich squeaked.

"He hacked NORAD for real." Jane said, speaking up for the first time.

"Excuse me?" Rich asked spinning to face her. "I'm pretty sure that was under duress and false pretenses if you recall."

Jane took a step back, feeling her heart sink. She frowned, knowing Rich was just worried about Boston, but also knowing he was right. The only reason Boston had even hacked NORAD in the first place was because she had forced him to. Tricked him. Even held him at gunpoint.

She swallowed heavily, the rest of the team fading into the background, while her accelerated heart rate was becoming deafening. She tried to take a subtle breath in, but all that her lungs would allow were shallow gasping puffs.

She cleared her throat.

"I need a minute." she ground out before almost running out of the room. She made it to the stairwell before the tears spilled over, guilt crashing over her in waves. She had hurt everyone she loved when she was Remi. She had manipulated each and every one of them , over and over again.

The door to the stairwell opened. Kurt walked frantically through it before spotting her. He stood at the top of the stairs for a moment, before taking in the sobbing form of his wife.

"Oh Jane." he said softly, closing the gap between them. He sat down beside her and pulled her into his arms.

She brushed the tears from her face, pulling out of his embrace.

"I'm fine." she said flatly.

Kurt raised his eyebrows.

"You don't look fine." he responded.

"Well I am." she said standing.

"Jane..? " he asked, worry creeping into his voice. He reached up, taking her hand before he stood beside her. "Don't shut me out." he pleaded. "Tell me what's going on."

Jane closed her eyes, leaning against the wall. She took a deep breath.

"It's just what Rich said." she murmured.

"Rich is just anxious about Boston-"

"I know that." Jane replied. "But he's also not wrong."

"Jane…"

"No Kurt. The only reason Boston even hacked into NORAD was because I forced him to."

"That was Remi… not you." Kurt replied softly.

"Don't you see?" Jane asked incredulously. "I am Remi. We're the same person Kurt!"

Kurt stepped forward, his hands up in a calming gesture, as if he were trying to tame a wild animal.

"Jane. You weren't in control of your actions. But Remi… she didn't have all of the information either."

Jane looked at him questioningly, frowning.

"You need to remember Remi only had her own memories, Jane. She couldn't access the information or the memories that you had made either. She was just as much in the dark as you were."

"How is that supposed to make me feel better?" Jane asked sadly.

"Because she was only able to make decisions fueled by her rage. She wasn't able to remember all of the good that you have done, only the bad… and that was mostly manipulated by Shepherd."

Jane deflated.

"I still hurt everyone I love." she whispered.

Kurt didn't reply. He closed the gap between them, pulling her into a hug. She didn't pull away this time, leaning into his embrace.

"Do you want me to take you home?" Kurt asked softly, kissing the top of her head.

"No." she replied shaking his head. "We should stay… see if there's anything we can do to help."

"Ok." he said softly, leading her out of the stairwell. "Let's find you a chair though." he added, noticing her increasing fatigue.

Jane had been having a lie down in the break room, when she heard the sound of clapping reverberating through the NYO. She slowly sat up, seeing that Boston had finally returned. They had managed to stop the attack, restoring control to the pilot.

She got up and walked out, joining the team surrounding Boston.

"Hey." she said greeting them.

"Ahh!" Boston exclaimed, jumping back with fright.

"Is… Is this… still Remi? Or…"

"No! No, No, no!" Jane said hurriedly. "I'm me! I'm Jane again…" She looked up at Boston. "Remi is gone… and ah… I'm really sorry for everything I did to you while I was her…"

Boston looked at the rest of the team members apprehensively.

"And we're all just cool with her again?" he asked incredulously.

"We're all good." Kurt said smiling.

"It was days ago…" Rich added.

"Ok? Apology accepted?" Boston said, though his voice was questioning.

"And thank you for helping Kurt find me…" Jane added.

"Ah yes… I was helpful, wasn't I?"

The rest of Boston's spiel was lost on Jane. The darkness was starting to close in on her again. Boston had actually been _scared _of her when he saw her.

Jane took a deep breath, catching Kurt's eye. He frowned when he saw she was in distress again, though was relieved that she wasn't trying to hide it from him this time.

"We should probably get going." he said, cutting across the circle to get to his wife.

Reade nodded, clapping Kurt on the shoulder.

"Thanks for your help today." he said to both Jane and Kurt. "And Jane, I'm glad you're feeling better."

Jane nodded her thanks, making her way to the elevator with her husband.

"Feeling better? What was she sick?" she heard Boston ask from behind her.

"I'll fill you in later." she heard Rich reply.

Jane sighed as the doors closed. Great. They would be discussing her behind her back yet again. She was sick of being the main topic of workplace gossip. Her whole life, since she crawled out of that bag had put her in the spotlight of workplace drama. She never seemed to get a break.

Just her appearance into the Bureau had left her a subject of conversation. Then it sparked again when Kurt arrested her and she was dumped in the blacksite. Again when she had the bounty on her head, then she got sick and became Remi, became Jane again and nearly then died. There never seemed to just be a dull moment where she could just live her life and work like every other agent in the building.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Kurt asked softly as they reached the parking garage.

"You wouldn't have enough pennies." Jane replied dejectedly.

"Try me." he urged, smiling at her. He lead them to their car, opening the door for her.

"I just wish for once I wasn't the leading topic of workplace gossip." she muttered, when he got into the driver's seat beside her.

Kurt sighed, taking her hand.

"This will all be over before you know it." he replied, kissing the back of her hand. "Apart from the direct members of our team, no one knows about you being Remi."

Jane swallowed, darkness and nausea creeping into her gut.

"Why don't we go home and watch a move?" he suggested. "I'll make us dinner." he smiled.

She sighed..

"Actually, I think I just want to go to bed."

"Ok." Kurt replied with a slight nod. Though Jane could see the hint of rejection in his expression.

She knew she should make the effort to spend some time with him, to make up for the way she had treated him in the stairwell, but she just didn't have the energy. All she wanted to do was crawl into bed and bury herself in the darkness. To shut the world out.

Jane leaned her head back and closed her eyes, both from the exhaustion of the day, as well as hoping that Kurt would take that as a sign that she didn't feel like talking.

She could feel herself becoming more and more untethered by the second. She just wanted to be alone.

She just wanted the darkness to swallow her whole.

**Thanks for reading. If you guys have any suggestions or requests, please let me know and I will see if I can work it in :) **


	3. Chapter 3

Jane crawled into bed the moment she got home, allowing the darkness to swallow her.

Her next conscious thought had her skin prickling. She knew before she even opened her eyes that she was no longer in her room. Her heart rate accelerated when she realised she was lying on a cold stone floor. She opened her eyes to find a concrete ceiling above her. She tried to move but her hands and feet were bound to hooks in the floor.

"You're awake. Good." a female voice said from the door. Jane hadn't even heard her enter the room… if you could even call it a room. "Tighten her bounds." the voice said again.

A man Jane didn't recognise came into view, stepping over her and pulling the ropes, so she was lying flat.

"Let's try this again." the female voice said. Jane craned her neck, trying to see who the voice belonged to. She had heard it before… she couldn't see the woman's face, but she did catch sight of her own body, realising for the first time that she was naked.

_How had she not noticed that before?_

The woman said something while she had been distracted by her lack of clothing, and Jane only replied by staring blankly at the man hanging over her.

"Have it your way then."

The thug grabbed her roughly by the face, prying her jaw open, before he forced a long plastic tube down her throat. Jane shook her head from side to side, gagging, trying to get away from the intrusion. Once the tube was in place, she looked up in horror to see the man pouring water into the funnel attached to the hose.

Luke warm water flowed down her throat, directly into her stomach. She swallowed reflexively, trying to stop herself from drowning. She had no idea how much water she had ingested, but the pain in her stomach was becoming unbearable. Just when she thought her stomach would burst, the tube was removed forcefully from her throat. When she coughed, she caught sight of her distended belly.

_This was not good… this was so not good._

The woman said something again, which Jane didn't catch, too focused on the cramps ripping through her system at the intrusion of so much liquid.

At her silence, the man placed his larged, booted foot on her belly. Tears sprang to her eyes. Anymore pressure and her stomach would surely explode…

"Answer me." the voice said flatly.

Jane couldn't speak. Even if she knew what the woman was talking about, she wouldn't be able to form words through the pain. After a silent communication that she couldn't see, the man lifted his boot, before bringing it back down with force, stomping down on her abdomen.

Jane turned her face to the side, projectile vomiting all over the floor. She retched, gasping for breath as the water emptied painfully out of her.

"We can do this all day." the woman said.

"Who... are you?" Jane gasped out. She heard a low laugh, followed by footsteps. Jane recoiled in shock when the woman's face came into view.

It was her own face.

""How?" she squeaked.

The woman just laughed.

"Again?" the man asked, and to Jane's horror, she was now looking into the face of her husband. The woman nodded. "As you wish Remi." Kurt replied.

""Kurt?" Jane exclaimed, before the tube was thrusted forcefully back down her throat.

"He's mine now." Remi snarked, as Kurt moved away to grab another container of water. "No one is coming to save you."

Jane screamed around the hose in her mouth, before she was silenced by the water sloshing down her throat again.

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Jane woke with a start, flying out of bed towards the bathroom. Her stomach convulsed, forcing the meager contents of her stomach into the sink. She coughed and dry retched noisily, crying out against the painful spasms.

Kurt, who had heard Jane calling out in her sleep, had been on his way to the bedroom to wake her, before she pushed past him, running for the bathroom, one hand clutching her mouth, the other holding her stomach. He knocked softly on the bathroom door, cringing at the sounds echoing from within.

"Jane?" he called softly, before opening the door quietly.

His heart sunk at the scene that greeted him in the bathroom. Jane was hunched over the vanity, painful heaves still wracking her frail body. She was sobbing into the sink between waves, clearly in distress.

He approached her gently, knowing she was always on high alert after a nightmare.

"Jane?" he asked again quietly, wanting to make sure she knew he was there with her.

She recoiled violently when she saw him approaching, flattening her body against the wall. Kurt could see her eyes were glazed, and knew she still wasn't properly awake.

"Jane! Wake up!" he said a little more forcefully, his hands up in a placating gesture. "You've had a nightmare." He watched as recognition cleared her eyes, before her face crumpled, her body losing the fight with her stomach again. She leaned heavily against the sink, painfully gagging. Kurt moved forward, pulling her hair off her face, and started rubbing small circles between her shoulder blades.

When she was down to panting into the sink, Kurt filled the glass sitting on the vanity with fresh water. She took it shakily, sipping on it delicately.

"Feeling a little better?" he murmured, rubbing her shoulder.

Not willing to trust her voice, Jane nodded curtly, before allowing him to lead her out into the lounge. He settled her down on the couch, before sitting on the coffee table in front of her.

"You want to talk about it?" he asked softly.

Jane shook her head. There was no way she was going to tell him about the dream. Not when he was one of the main perpetrators.

"Ok." he said softly, reaching out to place his hand gently on her knee. It took every ounce of Jane's reserve not to flinch at his touch. "I'll go and get you some ginger ale." he said, noticing she was still nursing her stomach delicately.

Jane took a breath, watching him retreat to the kitchen. What the hell was happening to her? It had been years since she had had nightmares this intense. She had been plagued by them for months after her stint with the CIA blacksite, but they had slowly dissipated after she had started sleeping more regularly at Kurts'.

She swallowed heavily, still able to feel the tube being forced down her throat… still able to see Kurt's face as he was pouring the water into her. She shivered, hugging her knees to her chest, but this time she knew that the cold had nothing to do with her inability to control her body temperature.

"Here." Kurt said, sitting back in front of her, offering her the glass of ginger ale.

Jane took it, more so she had something to do with her hands, but took a sip to placate him.

"Can I get you anything else?" he asked, and Jane could see the hurt in his eyes that she was shutting him out.

Jane shook her head, forcing out a small smile. She cleared her throat.

"No… no I'm ok."

"Ok." he said softly. "I'm going to go and change the bed." he said, knowing she had sweated through her clothes during her nightmare. "Call me if you need anything."

Jane forced another small smile, though she knew Kurt could see right through her. He left the room, leaving her sitting on the couch by herself. The moment he was out of sight, Jane set the glass on the table and deflated, leaning forward, bringing her hands up to cover her face.

It was almost a sick joke that she was almost wishing for the darkness the ZIP poisoning had caused when she lost her sight. The lights were too bring, the walls to white. She looked at the floor, yearning for it to open up and swallow her whole. She didn't deserve his kindness. Didn't deserve to get away with everything she had done. He had tried to blame all of her wrongdoings on the fact that she had been Remi at the time… but that was bullshit. They were the same person. The guilt overwhelmed her to the point she felt dizzy.

She didn't deserve this life.


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read this so far.**

**Special thanks to lurkingwhump - I would never get anything done without you x **

Something was definitely wrong with his wife. It had been days since they had gone into the office, and Jane hadn't left their apartment since… hell she had barely left their bed since.

Kurt had tried to get her to open up about what was plaguing her mind, but he was constantly dismissed. Her latest excuse was that she was still having side effects from the ZIP poisoning and that she wasn't feeling well... that she just wanted to sleep.

Kurt wasn't buying it.

Every time he went in to check on her, he could tell she was feigning sleep, that she was just avoiding him.

She wasn't eating. She hadn't showered in days, and the little sleep she did manage to get, she was haunted by terrible nightmares.

When the nightmares did strike, she would scramble out of bed and lock herself in the bathroom, disregarding all of his advances of trying to console her.

He found that he had spent the majority of his days, in a dazed stupor, trying to figure out what he had done for her to be treating him this way.

He had left the apartment to go for a run yesterday, leaving her alone for the first time in days. When he got back, he had realised she had emerged from the bedroom when he had left, only to retreat when he got home.

She was definitely avoiding him.

He just didn't understand what he had done wrong. He had been by her side every step of the way when she was sick from the ZIP poisoning. Had forgiven her straight away for everything she had done as Remi. Had been her shoulder to cry on when the guilt got too much… so why was she suddenly pushing him away?

Enough was enough.

His decision made, he got up off the couch and strode towards the bedroom. He watched her shut her eyes quickly when he entered the room and shook his head.

"Get up." he said flatly.

She opened her eyes groggily, acting sleepy.

"Mmm?" she murmured unintelligibly.

"Get up." he repeated.

Jane frowned, bringing her hand up to her forehead and wiping her face.

"Kurt, I'm-"

"You're what Jane?" he asked, interrupting her. "You're not feeling well?"

Jane swallowed heavily, nodding softly.

"Then you need to get out of bed and we're going to see the doctor." he said a little softer, sitting on the bed beside her.

"No… I'm fine." she said automatically. At his raised eyebrow she continued. "I'm ok… I don't need to see the doctor… I just want to sleep."

Kurt shook his head, pursing his lips.

"Jane you've been in this bed for days. If you want to have any hope of making a full recovery, you need to get up and get out of this apartment."

Kurt watched her face change, from feigned sickness to dismissive anger in a matter of seconds.

"What I need, is for you to leave me the hell alone so I can sleep!"

To say he was shocked would be an understatement. Kurt moved off the bed, his expression impassive. He didn't even reply, only giving a curt nod in response, before shutting the door behind him.

Once he was in the lounge, he let out the breath he had been holding, trying to keep his emotions in check. It came out drawn and ragged, both hurt and anger spilling tears down his unshaven face.

He took a couple of shaky breaths in, before striding out the apartment door, slamming it behind him.

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Kurt had walked around the neighborhood for almost two hours before he had calmed down enough to return home.

Again when he got home, he could see that Jane had been up, but was yet again out of sight the moment he walked in the door.

He sighed sadly, taking a seat at the kitchen table. He hung his head in his hands.

He was at a loss on where he was meant to go from here. She obviously blamed him for something because she had shut him out completely. Maybe he should get Patterson over here to try and talk some sense into her?

He shook his head and reached for the newspaper, deciding he would text her tomorrow. A piece of paper that Kurt recognized to be from Jane's sketchpad, slipped from between the pages, falling to the floor.

Frowning, he bent over and picked it up, studying the page with sadness.

Jane had always been one to express her feelings through drawing, but this page held something completely different. There was a poem, outlined by a skeletal forest, predatory eyes gleaming from the shadows.

The title read; Burning Sanity

_On the blackened horizon of my sight  
I find, a place to hide.  
To escape. To be safe._

_Engulfed in skeleton and bones.  
Sifting through the black.  
Picking through the ribs.  
Drumming towards the heart.  
Trying to get away._

_Bushes snarl.  
Hunting watchers wait,  
to catch me. Steal me.  
Eradicate me._

_Demons, their gleaming eyes and  
tormenting words, singe the brink of my sanity.  
Curse it. Make it their own._

_Whirling in foggy illusion.  
Decisions defined, decided.  
Dictated._

_Nightmares invade my mind,  
mask the calm.  
Deafening silence, surrounding, rising,  
Shredding sense.  
Until._

_I am annihilated  
Incinerated.  
Ash on the edge of sanity._

Kurt's hands shook as he place the piece of paper back on the table. He closed his eyes and exhaled, scrunching his face up in emotional pain.

Ok so maybe it wasn't him that she hated after all…

Kurt sighed as he realised that this whole time she was fighting with herself. He had been so caught up in what he had potentially done, he didn't even think about the fact that maybe she was fighting with herself. With her own demons…

Kurt fingered the words, completely and utterly heartbroken for his wife.

He was broken out of his thoughts by the blood curdling screams coming from the bedroom. Out of instinct, he ran for the bedroom, rushing to Jane's side.

She was pale and sweaty, her legs tangled in the pile of blankets on the bed. Tears tracked down her crumpled face. Another scream echoed out of her lungs, causing Kurt to want to cover his ears.

Instead he reached out, shaking her softly by the shoulders.

"Jane wake up! You're having a nightmare!"

The only response he got was a sharp whack to the nose. He stumbled backwards, dazed, and before he knew it, his wife was flying towards him, flipping him so he was trapped between her legs, her arms wrapping around his elbow and neck.

Kurt struggled to breathe.

"Jane!" he choked out. "Jane stop!"

Considering how weak her body still was from the after effects of ZIP, she was surprisingly strong. He struggled, trying to get out of her hold.

"Jane!" he ground out, spluttering. His vision was starting to gray around the edges. He struggled again, managing to hit the back of his head into her chest. "Jane!"

"Kurt?" Jane squeaked, releasing him and scrambling backwards.

Kurt coughed, gasping for air.

"Oh God." she exclaimed with wide eyes, before clambering to her feet and running for the bathroom. She locked the door behind her.

Kurt heaved himself to his feet, following her to the door.

"Jane please talk to me." he urged.

He was met only with silence.

"Please let me help you." he begged.

"I'm sorry." she mumbled through the door.

Kurt took that as a small victory. At least she replied to him.

"Jane, you have nothing to be sorry for!" he answered vehemently. "Please just come out so we can talk."

Again he was met with silence.

"Jane I love you. You're my wife. Whatever you're going through… you don't need to do it alone."

He heard the lock click, before she stepped out quietly, not meeting his eye. He stayed where he was, not making a move to touch her. He didn't want to frighten her further.

He watched her face crumple, silent tears spilling over.

"I just don't know what to do anymore." she sobbed.

Not being able to resist any longer, he stepped forward and wrapped his arms around her.

"You don't have to do anything." he murmured. "Not right now."

She sniffed, allowing herself for the first time in days to relax into his embrace.

"Everything's gonna be alright." he whispered softly into her hair.

"How do you know that?" she questioned, her voice cracking.

"Because I'm not going to let anything happen to you." he replied matter of factly.

Jane clung to him, allowing herself for the first time in days to actually believe him. The road she was currently traveling down was very quickly spiraling toward madness. Any further, and she would be at serious risk of completely falling down the rabbit hole.

**Please let me know what you think!**


	5. Chapter 5

**This fic has turned out to be a lot shorter than initially planned. I'll do a short epilogue and then I have an idea for a larger sequel.**

**Thank you to lurkingwhump for giving me the idea for this chapter.**

"Please try to eat something." Kurt coaxed, watching his wife picking at her food from across the table.

Jane stared up at him from under her messy hair, but continued to only slide her food across the plate.

Kurt had taken it as a small victory that she had even agreed to have dinner with him. After their encounter outside the bathroom the night before, she had relaxed slightly in front of him.

He sighed, knowing he was not going to win this battle. She had been silent the entire meal, and had only managed to take a couple of small bites before she had nearly succumbed to a fit of gagging. She was doing well to keep it hidden though, if Kurt hadn't been watching her so intently, he probably would have missed it.

Her appearance alone was worry enough. Her cheeks were pale - almost translucent and gaunt, the flesh covering her cheekbones was concaved and hollow. She looked tired, stark purple smudges bruising under her eyes.

"Jane-" he tried again, but was met with nothing but a frustrated sigh in reply. Kurt shook his head. If he was being honest, he was starting to notice a comparison between trying to get Jane to eat, with trying to get Bethany eat.

He frowned, finishing his last mouthful before he got up and cleared both of their plates away.

"Do you want to go for a walk through the park tonight?" he asked as he stacked the dishwasher. When Jane looked up at him, he saw a flicker of yearning in her eyes, he then watched the almost physical jerk as she shut herself back down.

So much for making progress.

88888888888888888888888888888888888888

Kurt made the decision to sleep in his own bed that night. He was sick of sleeping on the couch. Jane had looked at him apprehensively, before crawling under the mound of blankets on her own side of the bed. She scooted across to the edge of her side, trying to put as much distance between them as possible.

Kurt realised she must be afraid of hurting him again, if he tried to wake her from her nightmares.

He sighed wearily, resigned to the fact that even though he was in the same bed as his wife, she still felt a million miles away.

It was hours before he finally succumbed into a fitful sleep, only to be woken up what felt like moments later. At first he wasn't sure what woke him, and then with a sinking heart, he realised Jane's side of the bed was empty. He looked at his watch; 3am - maybe he had been asleep for longer than he had thought.

He threw back the covers and padded across the room, opening the bedroom door quietly. Soft light came from the lounge, illuminating the sight that greeted him in the living room had his heart rate accelerating and the hairs on the back of his neck standing up.

Jane was sitting on the couch, a half empty bottle of scotch sitting on the table in front of her, her off duty weapon in her hands. She was studying the weapon intently, turning it over and over.

"Have you ever thought about how something so small, can take a life so easily?" Jane said without looking up.

"Jane? What are you doing?" Kurt asked, moving slowly into the living room.

She carried on as if she hadn't heard him.

"Have you ever stopped and thought about how many people you've killed..." she turned the gun over. "... with such a small thing?"

"Jane…"

"I've killed so many people." she stroked the slide of the gun. "So many innocent people."

"Jane… you've only done what you've had to to survive."

Again he was ignored.

"I've cheated so many people out of life… and now I've cheated death… maybe the ZIP was supposed to kill me…" she trailed off.

"Jane… you can't truly believe that?" Kurt asked softly, taking a step closer.

Jane looked up at him, almost as if she had only just noticed he was there.

"Look at all the pain I've caused Kurt!" she unclicked the safety on the weapon. "Look at how many lives I've destroyed!" she flung her arms around, clicking the safety back on.

"Jane… please give me the gun."

She eyed him with indignance, reaching forward and draining another finger of scotch.

She sat back into the couch cushions wearily, closing her eyes briefly. When she opened them, she returned to studying the gun, though the fight seemed to have drained out of her with the scotch.

"I just don't see the point anymore." she whispered softly, tapping the gun against her left hand.

"Jane… please." Kurt said, taking another step towards her. "We've all made mistakes… done things we wish we could take back… but you didn't have a choice. Remi-"

"When are you going to see that we are the same person?" she asked exasperated, cutting him off mid sentence. "I remember being Remi. I remember what she did. And everything she did… she did willingly!"

Kurt brought his hands up in a placating gesture.

"Ok… ok… I'm sorry." he watched her click the safety back off then on again. "You have done some terrible things in your past… but Jane… that doesn't mean you deserve to die!"

Jane sighed.

"I just don't know if I can keep living with the guilt." she admitted, not able to look him in the eye.

Kurt's heart broke. He knew she was depressed, but he hadn't realised she was so close to the edge.

"Look at all the good you've done… all the lives you have saved… why can't you focus on that?"

"Because it feels like the bad outweighs the good." she mumbled. "I just feel like the ZIP was meant to kill me as redemption for all the bad I've done."

Kurt shook his head.

"No Jane. It wasn't." he said matter of factly.

"You're just saying that because you're my husband."

"No I'm not." he said adamantly. "Yes I'm your husband… and yes it would destroy me-" his voice cracked. He cleared his throat. "Yes it would destroy me of anything were to happen to you, but Jane… you weren't supposed to die in that hospital."

"How do you know that?" she murmured, and he could see the remaining fight draining from her eyes.

"Because if you were supposed to die… you would have."

Jane was quiet for a moment.

"It doesn't take the pain away Jane… but it does give you a second chance to make the good outweigh the bad." he swallowed heavily. "Taking your life won't change what you've done. It will just be adding more pain."

Jane stared up at him, biting her lower lip.

"So take this second chance…" he said slowly closing the gap between them. "Fight through the guilt and make it right." he was sitting on the coffee table in front of her by now. "Let me help you."

Jane brought her shoulders up slowly, cowering in on herself. Her eyes filled with tears and her resolve dropped.

"Please give me the gun." he said again softly, reaching out and taking it out of her hand. He disarmed it and put it on the table behind him, before pulling his wife into his arms. "Everything's gonna be ok." he soothed. "I'm right here."

Jane let out a choked sob.

"Let it out baby." he whispered. "You don't need to be afraid anymore."

He felt her slump against him, crying so hard that no sound came out.

He sat there, stroking her hair, letting his own waves of grief crash down around him. She clung to him tightly, not willing - or wanting to let go of him.

They had a long road ahead of them, Kurt knew that, but the fact that she had let him in again, had given him a sliver of hope.


	6. Chapter 6

**Here's the final chapter of Burning Sanity. Sorry it took me so long to update. Real life has unfortunately gotten in the way and taken its toll.**

**Thank you to everyone who has stuck with me on this, this topic took me out of my comfort zone a little. Special thanks to lurkingwhump. Your friendship and encouragement has really been a lifesaver these last few weeks.**

**I took the liberty to fill one of my badthingshappenbingo squares. Namely, Panic Attack.**

When her sobs had finally died down, Jane fell asleep in Kurt's arms fairly quickly, both the alcohol and her exhaustion winning. He leant down and kissed her tear streaked face, noticing how cold her skin had become. Sighing, he pulled the blanket off the back of the couch, wrapping her up tightly. He turned, lying down, holding her protectively against his chest.

Even in sleep she hadn't stopped clinging to him. It seemed that he had broken down her protective walls again, and now that he had, there was no way she was going to let him go. She had been trying to deal with her emotional turmoil by herself for far too long.

He shuddered, thinking about what may have happened, had he not woken when he did. She had been drunk, and completely willing to jump over the edge. At that thought, his heart constricted. He adjusted his hold on her, holding her as close and as tight as possible without disturbing her.

What would he have done if he had have lost her? Not from the ZIP poisoning, not from a perp… but by her own hand. He felt his own anguished tears start to leak from the corner of his eyes, his chest so tight he was struggling to breathe.

Jane shifted in his arms, bringing him back to the present. He closed his eyes, trying to normalise his breathing. All of that didn't matter… he _had_ woken up. She was broken... but safe in his arms.

It was going to be a very long recovery… for the both of them, but her letting him in had been the first step towards their future.

One thing was certain though, he would not be letting her out of his sight for a while.

With her safe, warm and _breathing_ in his arms, he let himself relax, breathing in the scent that was only her.

He was woken sometime later, Jane's body tense in his arms. Her breathing was laboured, small whimpers escaping her mouth, his shirt damp from her tears.

She was having another nightmare.

Kurt tensed slightly at the position he was in. After what had happened the last time she had had a nightmare, he suddenly felt physically vulnerable. If she were to lash out there was no way he could gain the upper hand without hurting her.

Those thoughts were quashed by the sound of her cries.

"Please…. Stop…" she sobbed.

Kurt's heart clenched. Whatever she was dreaming about, it was causing her great emotional distress.

"Shhh, Jane… you're having a nightmare." he murmured, stroking her hair. She didn't respond, still trapped in her dream.

Kurt almost jumped when she let out an anguished cry, her breathing quickening.

"No! No no no no no!" she cried.

Kurt sat up, bringing her up with him.

"Jane!" he said louder, deciding he would just deal with it if she were to react physically. He couldn't bare to see her suffer any longer.

He could feel her starting to panic, her breathing becoming erratic, sobs and chills wracking her frail body. She was clinging to his shirt, wailing into his chest.

"Jane! Sweetheart, wake up!" Kurt called again, shaking her slightly. He felt her body tense. He schooled his features, ready for the potential oncoming attack.

"Kurt?" she squeaked, looking up into his face, her eyes full of anguish. Kurt felt himself relax slightly, the threat of her reacting physically seeming to pass, though the feeling was replaced by a sadness he hadn't felt before. He watched as his wife's features crumpled completely, her breathing coming out in short restricted gasps.

"Sssh…" he whispered into her ear. "It was just a nightmare."

Jane sobbed into his chest, unable to get a control on her tormented mind. Kurt could feel the panic settling in and adjusted her so she was cradled against his chest, but also so he could see her face.

"I've got you baby, everything's ok… just breathe."

* * *

Jane could feel herself beginning to hyperventilate, the panic from her dream well and truly taking over.

She could still see the images of her nightmare flashing through her mind.

She felt like she was underwater, unable to breathe, unable to move, a loud rushing sound buzzing through her ears.

Her whole body was shaking, a cold chill creeping into her bones.

"Jane, you need to slow your breathing down, you're having a panic attack." she heard Kurt's voice say through the void.

She choked on a sob, hearing Roman's voice in her head.

_There's a place in your mind, that no one can get to… a place that belongs only to you. No matter what they say, no matter what they do, no one can reach you there. Pain is a dream._

_Pain is a dream. Pain is a dream._

She started repeating that over and over in her mind, until she could feel the weight beginning to lift off of her chest. Seems that works for mental pain as well as physical pain.

"It's ok baby." she heard Kurt murmur, rubbing her back. "I've got you."

She clung to his shirt, trying to take deep breaths in order to calm down.

"I'm so sorry." she whispered. "I never wanted any of this to happen."

"Sshh." he soothed into her ear. "We're gonna get through this. Everything's gonna be ok."

Jane sniffed, looking up at him, she lifted her hand, caressing his stubbled jaw.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked, now that she was beginning to settle.

She nodded softly, knowing that the only way she was ever going to be able to heal was if she let him in completely.

She opened her mouth to speak, but no noise came out, flashes of her nightmare running through her head again.

_She was looking into a concrete room, separated from the room by a one way mirror. In the middle of the room was the figure of a man, kneeling on the floor with his hands handcuffed behind his back. He had a black hood on his face, his body slumped in pain._

_Another figure entered the room, this one more feminine. Jane watched the woman come into view, watching in horror as she recognised her to be herself. Remi._

_Remi roughly removed the black hood off of the man's face, exposing Kurt's bloodied and battered face._

"_No…" she whispered._

_Remi smiled at the mirror, knowing Jane was watching. She took a knife out of the sheath on her belt, holding the blade to Kurt's throat._

"_Let's see how you cope, knowing that you were the one that killed him." Remi snarked, jerking the knife along Kurt neck, slitting his throat._

_Jane watched in anguish as he choked and spluttered, falling to the ground in a puddle of his own blood. He jerked once, and was still, the light draining from his eyes._

_Jane let out a devastated cry, turning her head so she didn't have to see the lifeless form of her husband._

_Her head was jerked back towards the window, Remi had appeared behind her, grabbing fistfuls of her hair._

"_No you look." she growled. "You look at what you did." _

_Jane shook her head, tears leaking down her face._

"_I didn't do this." she sobbed. "You did." She closed her eyes, trying to block out the scene in front of her._

_Remi laughed._

"_Is that so?"_

_Confused, Jane looked down at her bloodstained hands, the bloodsoaked knife having appeared out of nowhere. She could see her reflection in the knife's blade, though Remi was nowhere to be found. She was alone in the room, kneeling on the concrete floor, Kurt's body just feet away._

"_Kurt…" she squeaked, throwing the knife away and crawling to his side. She had killed him. It was all her fault. She picked his lifeless head up, hugging him to her chest. "No! No no no no no!" she sobbed, wailing against his lifeless cheek._

"Jane?" she heard his voice again, coming back to the present.

She took a few more deep breaths, trying to keep her breathing under control.

"Oh Kurt." she whispered, moving so she could hold his head against her chest. "I'm so sorry."

Slightly confused, Kurt pulled away from her, angling himself so he could look at her properly.

"Jane? What happened?" he asked gently. "It's ok… you can tell me."

Jane hung her head.

"I killed you." Was all she said, before a fresh batch of tears rolled down her face.

Kurt frowned. He had not been expecting that. He reached out, cupping her face, wiping her tears away. She leaned into his touch.

"Talk to me." he almost pleaded.

She took a shuddering breath in, before she told him of her dream. Of how she had watch Remi kill him, only to realise she had slit his throat herself.

"Jane… you need to stop blaming yourself for everything that has happened." He paused choosing his words carefully. "You made some horrible decisions as Remi… but Jane… everything that she did… that you did… it can all be fixed."

Jane shook her head, swallowing thickly.

"Kurt… the day you walked into the kitchen, when you found me with the poison… that wasn't for me… it was for you."

He nodded softly.

"I know."

Jane's eyes widened.

"You knew?" she asked incredulously.

Kurt nodded again.

"When I found out you had reverted back to Remi, I had speculated."

Jane's chin wobbled.

"You've known this whole time… that I was going to kill you… and you _forgave_ me?"

Kurt shifted, taking her clammy hand in his own.

"As I've said before, Remi didn't have access to all of the information either… she could only remember her hate… besides, I figured you were beating yourself up enough for the both of us."

"Kurt… I'm so sorry…" she whispered.

He shushed her again, kissing the back of her hand.

"We will get through this together. You just can't shut me out anymore."

She nodded softly.

"I won't…" she promised.

She reached out, cupping the side of his face.

"How did I ever get so lucky?" she whispered, before allowing herself to be pulled into his embrace.

They stayed tangled on the couch until the early hours of the morning, just enjoying being in each others embrace.

She looked up at him, resting her chin against his chest.

"Thank you." she whispered. "For everything."

He smiled gently, kissing her on the forehead, before settling her back against him.

"Always." he whispered.

"I love you." she murmured, inhaling his scent.

"And I love you." he replied against her hair.

They held each other tightly, knowing the battle wasn't quite over, but also knowing that they would get through whatever life threw at them, so long as they stuck together. Jane knew that the only way to move forward with her life, was to let him in. Shutting him out only made things worse. She knew that now, and she vowed to never let it happen again.

fin


End file.
